I recently came across a Reddit thread asking, “Former Christian nuns and priests of Reddit, what made you decide to leave the Church?” and I was fascinated by the responses. Here’s what people shared:
Personal Stories of Leaving the Church
- One person shared the story of their uncle, who was an ex-priest. In 2008, in California, there was a proposition (Prop 8) that sought to overturn the legalization of gay marriage. The uncle’s bishop issued a mass directive to all the priests, urging them to urge their parishioners to vote yes on 8. The uncle, who is gay, could not in good conscience follow the bishop’s order because he knew what it felt like to be a gay kid in the pews, being told that you’re an ‘abomination.’ Instead, he wrote a speech and called the press. At the end of mass, he said they were free to go, but they could stay and listen to something he had to share. He came out as gay and shared with the parishioners why he felt it was immoral to vote yes on Prop 8. He was suspended as a priest and continued being an LGBTQ activist, including handcuffing himself to the White House fence in protest of Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell. The person is super proud of him.
- Another person described their uncle, who was a Catholic priest, getting discouraged by the issue of the abuse of children by priests in the 1980s in the US. He had a hard time understanding how any man dedicated to helping and supporting parish life could harm a child. Eventually, the abuse crisis ended up on the front pages of newspapers of that period since there was no internet. He later told the person how depressed and sad it made him that even some members of the hierarchy had tried to hide the truth about what their priests had done. He spoke with his bishop about his deep concerns. Eventually, he met a woman and got married outside the church. He didn’t get a dispensation; instead, he moved out of the rectory where he lived, got an apartment, and went back to graduate school to become a psychologist in marriage and family life. Many of his fellow priests did similar things.
- A seminarian shared their experience of being sexually harassed/assaulted, and the seminary refused to do anything about it. The diocese’s solution was to move them to another seminary. That was in the first year. After that, the person realized they were constantly being gaslit into thinking everything dysfunctional they saw was because they weren’t devoted or holy or obedient enough. They ultimately left because they realized they were forcing themselves to become a priest so that people would like or respect them, and that they didn’t actually want to live the lifestyle at all. The years since have been spent realizing how messed up it all was and how much that extends to the church and their faith in it in general.
- Another person shared the story of their aunt and uncle, who were an ex-nun and an ex-brother. They met each other in service and left to pursue a relationship. They are still devout Catholics. The person’s mom attended a convent for high school but did not take her vows. She stated it was because she wanted a family.
- A former seminarian shared their experience of being in college for three years before attending seminary. It was a tough experience, and they’re still putting their life together after leaving. When they left, they felt like they lost their life, and then they ended up leaving the church for about the same reasons they left seminary. They lost all their connection to the Catholic world. Their former seminary friends stopped talking to them, and they lost the social aspect of being Catholic. It sucked. The seminary itself was a bit of a nightmare. They were ousted very quickly in their very conservative seminary on their opening weekend retreat, as a ‘liberal,’ and subsequently were scorned by about 60% of the population from the get-go. All they did was say that they were considering joining the Jesuits during their time on the retreat.
- Another person shared their story of entering seminary in their senior year of high school. The 1984 aspect of it shattered them. Always being watched. Eventually, they couldn’t take it anymore and left, with the intention to join the Servites. One day they realized they were gay, and had to choose between the church and being gay. They chose being gay. They’re now madly in love with another man. Religiously, they say they’re a deist with interest in Norse mythology.
- A person shared their experience of growing up in a very small town in the Midwest where just about the entire town was Catholic, and there was only one church in town, which was Catholic. So, the entire community and church were intertwined. They were involved in the church, served mass, and attended Catholic school. They never considered going to the seminary until after they graduated. They really lacked direction and were struggling existentially, which was why they decided to go, hoping to gain some clarity and have a greater sense of purpose.
- Another person shared their experience of being an ex-Catholic priest. They were in for 21 years, including seminary. They have been out of practice for several years. They are married now to a practicing Catholic and have a job in commercial construction. Leaving was so much easier than they expected. Nearly every day has been better than the day before since they left. They lost a few friends, but they have gained a ton of peace. They left in a good way. There was no drama or issues as they were leaving. They simply started to tell people they were done and moved in with their brother’s family, who helped them transition out. They have a letter from Pope Francis laicizing them but from the moment they signed the papers they could really care less about the church. They used to think they were living some heroic life, healing and helping people. They know they did some good, but really, they feel like the church is a sinking ship, and they needed to get off or go down with it.
- A person shared their father’s story. He was a priest in the ’60s and ’70s, and he met/married their mother many years later. He left the order after his mother died. They recently found some letters that hinted at many years of growing disillusionment that were shared by his peers. They were frustrated by Church politics, disappointed by the failed promises of Vatican II, and especially frustrated by their missionary assignments in backwater countries, where they were sent as punishment and felt they lacked the resources to make a difference in their communities. There were also hints of resentment at being pushed towards this life when they entered seminary at the tender age of 14, torn from their families and told what they should want in order to make God and their families proud. Many of the men he grew up with ended up leaving the priesthood when they realized it wasn’t the right life for them, that they’d been cheated of having love and a family.
- A person shared their experience of being raised a very conservative Catholic, homeschooled, and well educated in terms of being well-read and having a traditional liberal arts schooling. They went to a tiny, very conservative Catholic college that aligned with those views as well. There were daily masses several times a day, and there was an expectation that everyone would attend. They had several chaplains who pretty aggressively preached to the guys about religious/priestly vocation, with the strong implication that if you weren’t already planning on getting married to a specific girl by the time you were an upperclassman, you really ought to be going to the seminary.
- Another person shared their experience of being part of a community that wasn’t a very healthy community. The mother superior suffered from mental health issues (she was open with them about this), and there was just a lot about the situation that wasn’t good. They had a bit of a mass exodus with six of the 11 sisters in formation leaving within a week of each other. It was messy. Kinda felt like a movie, not real life, with a lot of plotting, secret meetings in the woods, and a few ‘prison break’-style escapes. Not how they would’ve wanted it to happen. But Mother made it difficult for them to leave the ‘right’ way.
