Understanding the Concerns of a Parent
My son is 37 and single, and I’m worried about both his future and mine. He’s a bachelor and shows no sign of settling down. Over the years, he has had a few girlfriends, especially during university and in his late twenties. My wife and I were delighted to meet them and welcomed them into our home and family. However, we were more disappointed than my son was when those relationships ended. I don’t think he was in love with any of them.
Since he turned 30, my wife and I haven’t heard a word about any significant partner. I want him to be happy and fear that he might regret not meeting a partner and having children. I consider myself progressive, but I must admit I feel unsettled at the thought of our family tree coming to an end. Not that I want my son to feel any pressure, especially as an only child. I want him to feel free to follow his own path. But I would also love to become a grandparent.
Supporting Your Son
How do I support him? JG, 67
Exploring the Need for Grandchildren
I think examining this need for grandchildren will help you understand how much of your concern is about your son’s life and how much about your own future. Are you a nurturer who wants to grow old surrounded by extended family? Do grandchildren play a more symbolic role as the carriers of your family name?
I understand your sense of loss surrounding the potential end of the family line; this grief doesn’t seem to be about how progressive you are, but an acknowledgment of the role of your parents, grandparents, and great-grandparents anchoring your family through time. What role did your grandfather play in your life? I know you don’t want to pressure your son, which I think is very wise, but is he aware of your grandparental ambitions? Could he feel a subconscious sense of duty from you?
Considering Different Life Paths
When it comes to your son, it’s important to consider that not everyone is on a path to find a partner and have children. There is not one way to lead a life, but many choices that create a fulfilled life: prioritizing work, lifestyle, and friendships is as valid as relationships. There is also greater freedom to meet partners and have families later than in our generation. Even if he did have a partner, they might have decided not to have children or be unable to. Would this concern you similarly?
Maybe it’s a positive that he is taking his time to find a relationship with someone he loves and who loves him, rather than rushing to hit society’s milestones and keep up with his peer group. How do you feel about the social pressure to keep up with your own peer group as they become grandparents?
Embracing Individual Choices
Maybe your son doesn’t feel that a partner is important in his life, or he is happy with relationships that don’t grow into a partnership for now. This might feel like a challenge to your own lifestyle, but it’s more helpful to frame it simply as your son finding the life that is best for him. This can make it easier to be supportive. His happiness might not look similar to how it has for you, but this doesn’t make it any less valid.
Have you chatted to your son about relationships? It can feel very awkward to approach conversations about partners, particularly if you don’t frequently talk to each other at this level. If this is the case, I’d encourage you to be led by curiosity to find out more about him as an adult – an individual in his own right beyond being your son – his dreams and ambitions, his frustrations and regrets.
Encouraging Open Communication
If you have concerns for his future, then feel free to mention them, but with an openness, “Have you ever wondered whether you’d like to live with someone in the future or do you prefer living alone?” This is likely to encourage understanding and connection more than, “I’m worried you’re not settled down with kids two years ago.”
It sounds as if your son’s fulfillment isn’t attached to whether he has children and, to support him best, learn more about him and what is most important in his life. Some fathers I work with feel that they can only relax from their dad-to-a-young-boy role when their son has a partner in a new home: this tends to be an inherited belief and worth examining because it might not reflect your son’s values.
Valuing Individuality
We all want to feel like we are accepted for being who we are, especially by the people we love, whether we provide grandchildren, take over the family business, or fritter away the family fortune. So I’d encourage you to really get to know your son, learn about his values and priorities, and champion them.
