Navigating the End of Life: One Woman’s Journey from Personal Tragedy to Professional Calling
The sting of profound loss can shape a life in unimaginable ways. For Baci Hillyer, that profound loss came swiftly and brutally. At just 15 years old, she experienced the devastating double blow of losing her father to cancer and then, mere months later, her brother in a tragic car accident. This period of intense grief, she reflects, was “very traumatic.” Yet, in the crucible of such personal tragedy, Hillyer discovered an unexpected path, a “calling” that would define her professional life.
Decades later, a poignant moment re-ignited this dormant understanding. A close friend shared the news that their mother was nearing the end of her life. Having navigated the labyrinth of her own grief for so long, Hillyer found herself uniquely equipped to support her friend’s mother through this final, tender chapter. “I sort of didn’t really understand that I had a skill in this area,” she admits. “I just assumed everybody was as death-comfortable as me.”
This realisation spurred Hillyer to formalise her innate ability. She enrolled in a professional end-of-life doula course, a journey that began with volunteering at a palliative care facility. This hands-on experience paved the way for her to transition into a professional role as an end-of-life consultant at a hospice.
Today, Baci Hillyer dedicates her full energy to her work as a death doula. She has even founded her own company, Deadicate, with an ambitious mission: “changing the conversation around death.” Hillyer firmly believes that confronting our mortality can be transformative. “If you lean into your mortality and you have some conversations, it changes everything,” she asserts. This is not hyperbole; she explains that embracing the finite nature of life can profoundly alter one’s perspective.
- A Shift in Perspective:
- It fundamentally changes your relationship with life itself, fostering a deeper appreciation for each moment.
- It strengthens bonds with loved ones, including family and even pets, as you recognise their transient presence.
- It enhances your connection to the world around you, from the natural environment to the simple joys of everyday experiences.
- Crucially, it imbues life with a heightened sense of preciousness, underscoring the value of people, relationships, and the opportunity to say goodbye.
Hillyer argues that the role of an end-of-life consultant should be as integral to our well-being as seeing a dentist or engaging an accountant. While her work is non-medical, she seamlessly integrates with the medical profession and other interdisciplinary practices.
The Role of a Death Doula: Support, Empowerment, and Preparation
At its core, Hillyer explains, the work of an end-of-life doula is about empowerment. This support can span the entire spectrum of the dying process, from the moment of diagnosis through to the final breath, and even extend to post-death care, ceremonies, rituals, and bereavement support.
- Key Functions of an End-of-Life Doula:
- Presence and Support: Doulas offer a steady, compassionate presence for both the individual facing death and their support network.
- Resource Provision: They connect individuals and families with essential resources, information, and practical assistance.
- Empowerment in Decision-Making: A critical aspect of their role is to empower individuals and their families to make informed decisions about their care, wishes, and legacy.
- Navigating Mortality: Doulas guide individuals through the complex emotional and psychological landscape of accepting their own mortality, aiming to make the dying process as peaceful and dignified as possible for everyone involved.
Hillyer often encounters individuals who are deeply fearful of the concept of death. In these moments, she gently reminds them of the often-overlooked consequence of avoiding these conversations: the immense emotional and practical burden left behind for grieving loved ones. This proactive approach, she believes, is a profound act of love and consideration.
“It’s really an amazing job to do to help people because they really need it. It’s a tough time, really challenging,” she says, acknowledging the inherent difficulties of the work. Yet, the reward lies in facilitating peace and understanding.
Hillyer draws a parallel between the societal comfort we now have discussing topics like menopause, grief, and sexuality, and her aspiration for death. “We’ve really learned to speak about menopause, grief, sexuality – I’m really passionate about trying to change the conversations around death to the point where you and I could just have a chat and say, ‘What was your first experience and how did that affect you? And how are you feeling about losing your parents? And what have you done to organise that?'”
Her ultimate message is one of proactive living through acknowledging mortality. “We are all going to die. So how about we just put a little bit of effort into leaving well, and then you can actually really live well.” This philosophy underscores a life lived with intention, purpose, and a profound appreciation for the present moment, all stemming from the courage to face the inevitable end.
