The Tough Choice: Staying Together for the Kids – Is It Ever the Right Call?
Ending a relationship is a monumental task, and the stakes feel even higher when children are involved. For many parents, the idea of remaining together, even in an unhappy union, emerges as a potential solution. This often arises when the perceived upheaval of separation feels overwhelming compared to the familiar discomfort of staying put.
“I see it all the time in my practice,” explains Gabriella Pomare, a seasoned family lawyer and co-parenting coach. “It usually comes up when life feels too big to blow up.” She elaborates on the common anxieties: “Little kids. A mortgage. School routines. Shared friendship groups. Maybe one parent is financially dependent. Maybe they’re terrified of doing handovers, two homes, Christmases apart, explaining it to grandparents, explaining it to the kids.” The prospect of navigating these complexities can make the status quo, however imperfect, seem like the less daunting option.
But is it ever truly beneficial to remain in an unhappy relationship for the sake of the children? And what would such an arrangement realistically entail?
A Crucial Note on Safety
Before delving further, it’s vital to address safety. If your relationship or household environment is unsafe, please reach out to 1800 RESPECT, the national organisation dedicated to supporting individuals affected by domestic, family, or sexual violence. In cases of immediate danger, always contact Triple Zero (000).
The Lure of Familiarity: Why Leaving Feels Harder
There are many practical considerations that can prompt a couple to stay together. Financial interdependence or significant caring responsibilities are frequently cited reasons, as explained by Carly Dober, a psychologist and policy coordinator at the Australian Association of Psychologists.
Beyond practicalities, a deep-seated fear of starting over can be a powerful deterrent. “They might think, ‘I’m anxious about being on the dating scene again’ or hear stories from friends about what it’s like now,” Dober notes. “They might think, ‘Is it really worth blowing up my whole life to go and do this?'” The stress associated with change, even if it’s a change that is desired, can be a significant barrier to making difficult decisions that might ultimately be best for both partners and the family unit.
Ms. Pomare points out that not all unhappy relationships are characterised by overt conflict. “Sometimes it’s not even explosive conflict, it’s quiet disconnection. Two people co-existing. Flatmates. No intimacy. No joy. No real partnership.” This lack of obvious tension can further lull couples into a false sense of security, making the decision to separate feel less urgent.
The “Broken Home” Myth and Children’s Perceptions
A pervasive belief is that a “broken home” is inherently worse for children than an unhappy marriage. “Culturally, we’ve been taught that separation equals damage,” says Ms. Pomare. Parents often envision a cascade of negative outcomes: trauma, instability, loyalty conflicts, financial stress, and the disruption of established routines. While these challenges can indeed be difficult, Ms. Pomare stresses that children possess an astonishing level of perceptiveness that is often underestimated.
Children are acutely aware of “emotional undercurrents,” according to Ms. Pomare. These can manifest as:
- Distance
- Resentment
- Silence
- Micro-conflict
- Eye rolls
- Withdrawal
These subtle cues can be detected by children “even when parents think they’re hiding it well.” The perception that staying together is a protective measure can, in reality, simply be a reliance on what is familiar. While research does indicate that separation can negatively impact a child’s mental health, this is often attributed to exposure to ongoing conflict and the parents’ own mental health struggles, rather than the separation itself. Notably, Australian research from 2020 suggests that the majority of parents report their children “fared well” post-separation, with favourable reports regarding their child’s health, learning, peer relationships, and overall development.
The Potential for More Harm Than Good
Ms. Dober raises a critical question for parents: what behaviours are they modelling for their children? “Healthy relationship behaviours will set your children up for pretty good mental health and health relationship reference across their lifetime,” she states. “What are they seeing every day?”
Households characterised by:
- Tension
- Frequent arguments
- An obvious sense of ongoing distress
can significantly impact a child’s well-being and create a pervasive sense of insecurity about the future. Ms. Pomare adds that children growing up amidst chronic tension and unresolved conflict may normalise behaviours like emotional disconnection or the constant need to “walk on eggshells.” She explains, “Kids also internalise energy. A house can be calm on the surface but emotionally heavy underneath.”
When Staying Together Might Actually Work
In certain specific circumstances, remaining together for the children can be a viable option. This is most likely to succeed if both partners are in agreement about the arrangement and are committed to functioning as a strong, united parenting team. “If it’s low conflict, needs are being met, and it’s functioning, then likely it’s OK,” says Ms. Dober.
For such an arrangement to be successful, Ms. Pomare outlines key characteristics: the relationship must be:
- Respectful
- Emotionally safe
- Cooperative
- Genuinely stable, even if it lacks romantic intensity.
“Some parents operate beautifully as a parenting partnership,” she observes. “There’s warmth, teamwork, mutual respect, and low conflict.”
In these situations, while parents should shield children from deeply personal or acrimonious discussions, they should provide age-appropriate explanations about any shifts in the family dynamic. “Young ears pick up more than you think,” Ms. Dober advises. “If any shift like this is going to happen — tell them in an age-appropriate way.” She offers an example: “Mum and dad, or mum and mum, or dad and mum aren’t together as a couple anymore, but we are still a family, and we will always love you, and are working through this — that’s just going to look a little different.”
While intimate details of a couple’s sex life are inappropriate for children, parents can help them understand why a relationship might no longer appear romantic. “If they are seeing a relationship devoid of love and affection, they will wonder why. If not now, when they are older. Help fill in the gaps.”
Even in low-conflict scenarios, Ms. Dober emphasizes the importance of vigilance. Parents must remain alert for any signs of stress in their children and consider seeking external support, such as a child psychologist, to help them navigate the transition.
Navigating the Decision-Making Process
Separation is undeniably one of the most significant transitions a family can experience, and it’s natural for parents to feel uncertain or apprehensive. “But when handled thoughtfully, with emotional intelligence and good support, kids can actually become more secure, not less,” Ms. Pomare reassures. “Your children don’t need you to stay stuck. They need you to be emotionally well, grounded and available. It’s not about choosing between your kids and your happiness. The two are often deeply connected.”
Ms. Dober suggests that speaking with family and friends who have navigated separations can be incredibly beneficial. They can offer insights into what to expect, how long the adjustment period might take, and what coping strategies proved effective. Engaging a mental health professional, such as a psychologist or counsellor, can provide invaluable additional support during this complex period. She also acknowledges that relationships can ebb and flow. “It’s common for relationships to accordion in and out over time, there might be periods you feel very disconnected and it might be salvageable.”
