What might begin as a minor niggle with a neighbour – perhaps a perpetually barking dog or branches from their tree encroaching on your property – can quickly escalate into a full-blown conflict if not handled with care. According to Katherine Rourke, manager of the community development program at the Conflict Resolution Centre, a not-for-profit organisation based in Canberra/Ngunnawal Country, these issues can become incredibly stressful for all involved when communication breaks down.
“Our homes are our sanctuaries,” Rourke explains, “so when that sense of peace and security is threatened, it can significantly impact our overall enjoyment of our living space.”
So, when a neighbour or their property is causing you grief, what’s the most effective way to tackle it?
The Prevalence of Neighbourly Disputes
Elisabeth Shaw, CEO of Relationships Australia NSW, notes that many neighbourly disputes stem from one party feeling that their personal space, whether psychologically or practically, is being infringed upon. “This can manifest as noise, encroachment on property, or the unauthorised use of resources,” she states.
Common grievances frequently include:
- Shared fencing issues
- Noise disturbances, such as persistent barking dogs or loud music
- Parking disputes
- Overhanging trees
While a minor annoyance like a car parked across your driveway might be something you can initially shrug off, Shaw points out that such recurring incidents can become much harder to tolerate. A 2019 survey conducted by Relationships Australia highlighted this issue, revealing that approximately two-thirds of respondents had experienced some form of conflict with their neighbours.
When faced with such disagreements, the survey found that the most common approaches were direct communication with the neighbour (37% of respondents) or simply ignoring the problem (12%). Unfortunately, fewer than half of those surveyed reported being satisfied with the outcome of their chosen method.
Laying the Groundwork for Resolution
Before you even consider approaching your neighbour, Shaw strongly advises taking the time to clearly define the problem for yourself. Ask yourself:
- Are there multiple issues that have become muddled together?
- What is the ideal outcome I’m hoping for?
- What would be an acceptable, albeit not perfect, outcome?
It’s also crucial to reflect on your own role in the conflict. Shaw suggests that we often become very adept at identifying the other person’s faults while remaining oblivious to our own contributions. “We can have a blind spot about our own part in the dynamic,” she observes.
Furthermore, Shaw recommends preparing for potential responses from your neighbour. This isn’t about gearing up for a fight, but rather about anticipating what you might be able to acknowledge or concede. “If you can concede even a small point,” Shaw advises, “you demonstrate leadership and may encourage them to reciprocate.”
Approaching Your Neighbour Directly
Rourke emphasises that addressing concerns directly with your neighbour, before issues fester and escalate, is generally the best course of action. “In many instances, your neighbour might simply be unaware that their actions are causing you concern,” she says.
The manager of the community development program highlights that a significant factor in escalating conflicts is the feeling of not being heard or understood. “It’s vital to approach these conversations with a genuine sense of curiosity and a willingness to truly listen to what your neighbour has to say,” Rourke advises. “Often, it’s worth remembering that preserving the neighbourly relationship can be just as important as resolving the immediate issue.”
Shaw suggests initiating the conversation by politely asking if it’s a convenient time to talk. If not, propose arranging a specific time to connect. Once you’re both ready to discuss, she recommends the following approach:
- Start with a desire for a positive outcome: Frame the conversation around mutual benefit. You could say something like, “We’ve had some difficult moments lately, and I wondered if we could mutually benefit from sitting down and trying to come up with something together?”
- Express your desired outcome: Clearly state what you’re hoping to achieve.
- Show openness to their perspective: Convey that you value their input. For instance, “I hope we can live together as neighbours for a long time to come; it’s important to me we have a good relationship and get things back on track.”
- Listen, even if they’re defensive: If your neighbour becomes defensive, try to maintain your composure and focus on listening to their point of view.
- Concede where appropriate: “You could concede a small thing,” Shaw suggests, adding, “saying something like, ‘This is an issue we are both struggling with,’ can be helpful.”
- Use “we” and “I” strategically: Employ “we” statements to foster a sense of shared experience, such as, “We seem to have fallen out.” However, when describing your personal experience, use “I” statements. For example, instead of saying, “Your music is too loud,” try “I’m struggling to sleep.”
- Be open to revisiting the conversation: You might hear unexpected perspectives. It’s perfectly acceptable to acknowledge this by saying, “You’ve given me a lot to think about; I’ll sit with that for a few days and come back to you.”
- End on a positive note: Aim to conclude the conversation with a positive sentiment, such as, “I’m glad we’ve spoken because I do want the best for us.”
- Approach with compassion: Shaw reminds us that we rarely know the full story behind someone’s behaviour. “Someone may have a reason for acting in a certain way that is not yet known to you,” she says. This could explain why a garden is overgrown or bins aren’t brought in promptly.
When Direct Communication Isn’t Feasible
If you don’t feel comfortable approaching your neighbour in person, Rourke suggests writing a polite letter and placing it in their letterbox. However, Shaw cautions that the tone of written communication is crucial. “The written word gives people time to think and articulate things carefully, but be prepared that a lot can be read into the written word as well,” she warns. She advises having someone else review the letter to ensure it doesn’t sound overly formal or legalistic. “Put the right softening around it and use some of the same tips as if you were speaking in person.”
Seeking External Assistance
When direct conversations and written notes haven’t resolved the issues, Rourke points out that several alternative avenues are available. “They can invite their neighbour to attend a mediation session, which allows space for a neutral third-party facilitator to assist neighbours explore issues and develop agreements for a way forward,” she explains.
You can contact your state or territory’s dispute resolution or mediation service for assistance. Examples include the Dispute Resolution Centre in Queensland or the Dispute Settlement Centre of Victoria. In some situations, Rourke notes, parties have the option to raise their concerns with their relevant state tribunal, such as the ACT Civil and Administrative Tribunal (ACAT) or the NSW Civil and Administrative Tribunal.
Shaw also suggests speaking to other neighbours, not to gather allies, but to understand their experiences and see how they have managed similar situations. “They might have some suggestions,” she says.
For situations involving emergencies or criminal activity, contacting the police is the appropriate course of action.
