The Rise and Controversy of Polyamory
Polyamory is having a moment, and it’s not necessarily a positive one. This trend has sparked a lot of discussion, particularly around the memoir Adult Braces: Driving Myself Sane by Lindy West. While the book is ostensibly about driving a van from the Pacific Northwest to Florida, it’s actually a story about how West was somewhat railroaded into an open marriage with her husband, Ahamefule Oluo, known as Aham.
West, a writer known for her sharp critiques of societal norms, has long been a voice against injustice. She gained attention for calling out Hooters, promoting body positivity, and criticizing films like Love Actually. Her work in online feminist publications during the 2010s made her a prominent figure, and she has always been used to facing backlash.
West’s journey into polyamory began when a fan noticed her husband engaging in a romantic encounter with another woman. This led to a cascade of events that culminated in a video where West, Aham, and their new girlfriend announced they were a throuple. The video, titled defensively as “Polyamory isn’t too good to be true,” did not go over well with the public. People noted West’s discomfort and questioned her previous disinterest in polyamory.
The controversy continued when West promoted her memoir, Adult Braces, which detailed her experiences in a triad with Oluo and their girlfriend, Roya Amirsoleymani. Media coverage of the book brought further scrutiny, especially after a New York Times profile highlighted West’s reluctant acceptance of polyamory and the timing of her father’s death when Oluo proposed the arrangement.
This led to a heated exchange between West’s husband and a journalist, who received a harsh email from Oluo. The situation escalated further when lines from West’s book, such as “If you think I have been brainwashed and I am secretly miserable, I simply do not know what to tell you,” were taken out of context.
Understanding Polyamory
Dr. Elisabeth Sheff, a leading expert on polyamory, explains that people typically react to polyamory in one of three ways. Some see it as a non-issue, others are eager to embrace it, and others fear it. Sheff has studied polyamorous families for decades and notes that while some people are naturally inclined towards polyamory, others are not.
Sheff shares her own experience, explaining that although she is not polyamorous herself, she has found herself in relationships with polyamorous individuals. She believes that most people can make compromises in relationship structures for the right partner, depending on what they are willing to sacrifice.
In her own polyamorous marriage, Sheff found that the arrangement worked well for a while. However, when her wife met someone else, the dynamics shifted, leading to a painful divorce. Sheff emphasizes that even among those who claim no hierarchy in their relationships, there is often an unspoken preference for certain partners.
The Benefits and Challenges of Polyamory
Despite the challenges, Sheff points out that polyamorous families can offer valuable lessons. Children raised in such environments often develop high emotional intelligence due to the communication and conflict resolution skills required. Sheff also highlights that polyamorous families tend to prioritize the needs of the children, regardless of the adult relationships.
However, the concept of polyamory is not without its critics. Kat Rosenfield, a novelist and culture reporter, argues that polyamory is a luxury belief for privileged elites. She criticizes the idea that open marriages can truly work, pointing to Lindy West’s memoir as an example of a deeply sad story rather than one of empowerment.
Rosenfield also questions the authenticity of West’s happiness in her current arrangement, suggesting that the narrative may be more about maintaining a relationship than genuine fulfillment. She emphasizes that trying to control the response to a book once it’s published is futile and can only lead to more controversy.
Polyamory and Progressive Politics
Polyamory’s association with progressive politics has added another layer of complexity. West’s memoir seems to present polyamory as a choice for a left-leaning woman committed to equality and openness. At times, she writes that monogamy is equated with “ownership.”
Rosenfield notes that some people have linked progressivism with open relationships, creating a kind of ideological equivalent to “IN THIS HOUSE WE BELIEVE” signs. This connection is supported by research showing that polyamory is statistically more common in LGBTQ relationships, partly because queer individuals are already questioning societal norms.
Among heterosexual couples, Sheff has observed interesting dynamics. Young men are often willing to open up a relationship but are sometimes surprised by the interest their female partners receive. Meanwhile, older women, particularly those in their 70s, 80s, and 90s, may find polyamory appealing as a way to enjoy romance without the responsibilities of a full-time relationship.
Conclusion
The debate around polyamory reflects broader societal tensions regarding relationships, feminism, and personal freedom. While some see it as a progressive ideal, others view it as a complex and often challenging lifestyle. As the conversation continues, it remains to be seen how these discussions will shape future perspectives on love, commitment, and personal choice.
