The Hidden Cost of People-Pleasing in Women
The tendency to please others is deeply ingrained in many women, often stemming from a complex mix of social conditioning, emotional awareness, and systemic sexism. While gender roles have evolved over time, the expectation for women to prioritize others’ needs above their own remains prevalent. This can lead to a pattern of saying “yes” when they mean “no,” taking on extra responsibilities without complaint, and neglecting their own well-being in the process.
Research has shown that this people-pleasing behavior, especially when it involves self-silencing, can have serious physical and mental health consequences. Self-silencing refers to suppressing one’s emotions, monitoring behavior excessively, and avoiding self-expression to prevent conflict or disapproval. Studies have found that women with fibromyalgia are more likely to report lifelong patterns of self-silencing. Similarly, a 2025 study published in PsyCh Journal linked higher levels of people-pleasing tendencies to lower mental well-being, highlighting its impact on psychological health.
As Easter approaches, many women find themselves in the role of host, juggling family gatherings, children, and friends. This can be an overwhelming experience, especially if they feel pressured to ensure everyone has a good time while neglecting their own needs. Understanding the roots of this behavior is essential. It often stems from childhood experiences, confidence levels, and the social networks we’re part of.
“People-pleasing is a learned behavior,” explains Ruth Kudzi, a coaching psychologist and author of How to Feel Better. “Our brain and nervous system are constantly scanning the environment for threats, which can include rejection, conflict, and disapproval. When we perceive a threat, many women adopt the ‘fawn’ response, pretending everything is okay to avoid fallout.”
This behavior is often reinforced by external validation. Women are frequently praised for being agreeable and accommodating, which can create a cycle of seeking approval. “If you’ve spent three hours organizing an Easter egg hunt but forgotten to eat lunch, no one will remind you,” says Kudzi. “They’ll just thank you and ask if you’ll do it again next year.”
For some, people-pleasing becomes a survival mechanism, particularly for those with a history of trauma. Bonnie Lambert, a psychiatric nurse practitioner at Crestview Recovery, notes that being pleasing to others can serve as a way to feel needed and approved of. “In a clinical context, this behavior can be a coping strategy for individuals who have experienced trauma.”
Over time, this habit can become deeply embedded, making it difficult for women to recognize when they’re sacrificing their own well-being. Dr. Candice O’Neil, a psychologist, explains that many women accept their role as people-pleasers as a natural part of their identity, influenced by both biology and societal expectations.
During holidays like Easter, the pressure to please can intensify, especially when surrounded by family and young children. “Children will be home more, and we might feel responsible for ensuring they have a good time away from school,” says O’Neil. “There’s less time to focus on our own emotional wellbeing, and for parents, there’s often a sense of responsibility for the emotional health of their children.”
Jane Ollis, a medical biochemist and founder of Neurotech Company SONA, describes the toll this can take on the nervous system. “If you’re a people-pleaser, you don’t just attend Easter; you run Easter,” she says. “You’re regulating everyone, smoothing tensions, and making sure no one feels left out. From a neuroscience perspective, that’s a huge amount of emotional labor.”
This constant state of vigilance can trigger stress responses, weakening the immune system and leading to long-term health issues. Recognizing when the brain is switching into people-pleasing mode is the first step toward change. “That lightning-fast ‘yes, of course!’ before you’ve checked in with yourself is your clue,” says Ollis. “It’s often a fast, subcortical response triggered before the thinking brain has caught up.”
Once identified, challenging these patterns requires practice. This might involve taking time to reflect before responding, setting boundaries, and paying attention to physical signs like anxiety, a racing heart, or shortness of breath. “The real shift happens when you stop outsourcing your decision-making to others’ needs,” adds Ollis.
While breaking these habits is not easy, it becomes easier with consistent effort. “The shift is subtle but powerful: moving from managing the external environment to creating a sense of internal stability,” notes Dominique Stelling, a psychologist and life coach. “In doing so, a woman realizes she can remain deeply caring and connected, without abandoning herself to keep the peace.”
Choosing not to abandon oneself is a valuable goal, especially during a time of celebration. By prioritizing self-care, women can enjoy the holiday without compromising their health.
