Divorce, once a hushed topic and a mark of societal disapproval, has become an increasingly common and accepted part of life. With statistics indicating that 42 per cent of marriages now end in separation, it’s a reality that nearly half of us can expect to navigate at some point. Just as every union is unique, so too is every divorce, carrying its own set of challenges, heartbreaks, and eventual triumphs.
In this series, individuals share their deeply personal journeys through divorce, offering reflections and hard-won wisdom gained from the benefit of hindsight. These are stories of life-altering experiences, providing insights and advice for those facing similar circumstances.
The Long Deception: A Mother’s Story of Betrayal and Resilience
Vicki Harvey-Piper, a 60-year-old mother of three residing in Surrey, now works as a divorce coach, drawing from her own profound experiences. Her story is a stark reminder of the devastating impact of prolonged deception and the arduous path to rebuilding a shattered life.
“Towards the end of our relationship, my husband’s behaviour was so erratic and confusing that I genuinely believed he was having a breakdown,” Vicki recounts. “In reality, he had been having an affair for three years and was planning to leave me all along. The fact that several people in his family were aware of his plans, while I remained completely in the dark about the impending collapse of my world, was incredibly painful. It wasn’t the divorce itself that inflicted the deepest wounds; it was the profound betrayal.”
From the very outset of their relationship, Vicki’s husband exhibited a strong need for external validation, particularly from other women, and was consistently flirtatious. This behaviour, she admits, made her feel deeply insecure. “Looking back, I knew I was in an unhealthy relationship,” she reflects, “but I clung fiercely to the idea of our family unit because I held a deep-seated belief that marriage was meant to be for life.”
A Fairytale Beginning, A Bitter End
Their union began with all the hallmarks of a fairytale. They met at university, where he managed the hall of residence’s disco – a charming and handsome figure. They shared similar middle-class backgrounds, though Vicki’s upbringing was more conservative, influenced by a strict Christian mother with numerous rules, including a strong emphasis on abstaining from sex before marriage. Despite these constraints, they fell deeply in love, broke that particular rule, and became engaged when Vicki was 22. Their wedding was a grand affair, held at Gloucester Cathedral, complete with five bridesmaids, three Rolls-Royces, and 220 guests.
The early years were a period of shared joy and mutual support as they established their home and careers – Vicki in public relations and her husband in event planning. Their first son was born when Vicki was 28. While her husband was a devoted father, he apparently struggled with the shift in attention from Vicki.
His career in event planning led to extensive travel. When their second child was just two years old, he announced, “I don’t think I love you any more,” and left for nine weeks. Upon his return, they sought counselling at Relate, and the couple decided to try for a third child, who was born in 1999. Vicki believed they were both committed to their family. However, her husband later confessed that he “only stayed for the children.”
The Unravelling of a Family
With three children under the age of six, his frequent absences became increasingly difficult to manage. Vicki felt her husband was more dedicated to his “work family” than his actual family, and she harboured concerns about his closeness to certain female colleagues. When she voiced these worries, he dismissed them as her being “ridiculous and old-fashioned.”
Despite these underlying tensions, they enjoyed a seemingly idyllic life. Their children attended private schools, and they maintained a vibrant social circle, supporting each other through both bereavements and celebrations. Yet, Vicki’s persistent intuition was that her husband harboured a desire for a different life, with “one foot out of the door.”
His behaviour became increasingly erratic and distracting. He was rarely without his phone, and his moods swung unpredictably – one day pleasant, the next distant and unpleasant. He also worked an astonishing amount, undertaking 44 work trips in 2018 alone, many of which were to Scotland.
The breaking point arrived when he declared he wasn’t happy and needed “some time out.” Horrified, Vicki initially attributed his behaviour to stress and focused on practical solutions for managing his absences. Their sons were confused, believing their father was unwell.
The Long Road to Truth and Recovery
Months of agonizing uncertainty followed. Her husband would leave, then return, only to leave again. Vicki found herself unable to elicit any clear answers, growing increasingly worried about his mental health. She recalls phoning his sister to discuss how they could best support him. Their friends, too, were concerned, and initially offered a great deal of compassion and support. However, the prolonged nature of the situation and its sheer awfulness led Vicki to the stark realisation by July 2020 that the marriage had to end.
With a heavy heart, she filed for divorce. The devastation was immense, compounded by a profound terror of her financial and emotional future. They had been together for 36 years, and the thought of a life without him was unimaginable. Yet, she held onto a fragile hope that the process could be navigated amicably, envisioning a future where they could still share Christmases as a family.
During a meeting to discuss their separation, Vicki made repeated attempts to uncover the truth. Her husband finally admitted that his “client in Scotland” was more than just a professional connection. He confessed to kissing her – just once. While this confession was devastating, it also provided a long-awaited sense of clarity. Vicki contacted his sister, only to be met with a shocking revelation: his sister had met this woman two years prior, in 2018. Her husband had confided in her that he was in love with this woman and intended to leave Vicki. The affair had been ongoing for over a year. While his sister was in an unenviable position, the knowledge still stung deeply.
Vicki chose to reveal only the essential details to their children, prioritising their continued relationship with their father. However, the sheer length of time she had been deceived left her consumed. For at least a year, she became fixated on uncovering the full extent of what had happened, poring over diaries and attempting to piece together the timeline of the affair. Her husband remained unforthcoming with information, leaving her in a state of intense preoccupation. She acknowledges she may never know if other affairs took place.
Her family was heartbroken. Her father and brother had considered her husband like family, and he was like a brother to her siblings. They have since cut ties with him, as has Vicki. However, she has maintained contact with his extended family, and their mutual friends have been a steadfast source of support.
Finding Strength After Betrayal
Vicki managed to keep her head above water until her ex-husband’s mother revealed she had met the other woman, describing her as “very nice” and expressing her belief that they would be together “forever.” This news plunged Vicki into a deep depression, characterised by a profound lack of motivation, an overwhelming feeling of “I don’t want to get out of bed any more.” She felt foolish, questioning how she could have been so oblivious. Her self-trust evaporated. Therapy provided a vital sanctuary, a safe space to articulate her deepest pain. The anger was immense, and she experienced an overwhelming urge for revenge.
Then, one morning, she awoke with a renewed sense of purpose: “Enough! I cannot live my life as a victim of the treatment from this man.”
Having only ever been intimate with one man in her life, the idea of experiencing a flirtation, of having “a bit of fun,” began to dawn on her. She describes 2022 as her “year of dating dangerously,” navigating the world of dating apps and encountering a diverse, often peculiar, and emotionally bruised cast of characters. Just as she was about to give up, she tried one last time and connected with someone who seemed genuinely normal. They bonded over a shared, quirky sense of humour. He had two sons, was remarkably straightforward, and had navigated the end of his own marriage with respect, communication, and honesty.
He is, Vicki notes, very different from her ex. “I always say he didn’t tick any of my boxes; that I didn’t ask for a balding retired accountant from up north who supports Liverpool,” she laughs. “But it’s all about values – being with someone who does life in the same way you do.” He is, she says, decent, engaging, predictable, financially savvy, a good friend, and a devoted father. They are now living together. Starting a new relationship after a long marriage is not easy, and Vicki acknowledges the significant effort she has invested in regaining her confidence and relearning to trust herself and others.
Her ex-husband now resides in Scotland with the woman he left her for. Vicki’s small, yet symbolic, act of defiance? She kept the dogs.
“I want to share my experience in case it helps other people,” Vicki concludes, explaining her decision to train as a divorce coach. “The truth is that you cannot breeze through betrayal – but you can come out of it better and stronger.”
