Navigating Parenthood: A Young Same-Sex Couple’s IVF Journey
The air in the doctor’s office in January 2023 crackled with anticipation. For Marli and me, it was the moment we’d been eagerly awaiting – the commencement of our IVF journey towards parenthood. However, our initial excitement was quickly overshadowed by a deeply unsettling experience. The doctor, a man, appeared visibly uncomfortable with us, two 19-year-old women expressing a desire for children. He struggled to make eye contact, fumbled over simple terms like “couple” and “partners,” and ultimately, with a dismissive shrug, suggested we’d likely face years of waiting due to our age.
While that particular prediction proved incorrect – we are now proud parents to our beautiful son, Freddie, just a few years later – the emotional impact of that initial encounter was significant. We left feeling upset and disheartened, surprised by a societal attitude that seemed far less progressive than we had imagined. In retrospect, I wish I had proactively requested a female doctor from the outset.
It felt as though our youth and same-sex relationship presented hurdles to being taken seriously, even though Marli and I had been seriously discussing starting a family from the ages of 17 and 18. This kind of dismissive reaction was, in part, a catalyst for us formalising our relationship with a civil partnership later in 2023, when we were 20. We observed that during discussions about IVF, medical staff frequently enquired about our marital status.
Thankfully, that initial doctor’s attitude did not derail our aspirations. We sought out a different clinic, where we were met with warmth and support from a female doctor, and subsequently by every other medical professional we encountered.
Our initial experience was undeniably frustrating and invalidating, but I am immensely grateful that we persevered. We had always envisioned ourselves as younger mothers. Our original plan involved artificial insemination through sperm donation. However, an ink test at a private gynaecologist revealed a blocked fallopian tube, a discovery that didn’t entirely surprise me given my history of painful periods and a past operation for endometriosis.
Marli and I have been close friends since we were 13. It took me some time to fully understand my feelings for her and to embrace my own sexuality. We officially started dating when we were 16, after I took the initiative. It wasn’t without its anxieties; I worried about jeopardising our friendship or facing judgment from others who might not accept our relationship as two women. However, in the end, everything fell into place beautifully.
Our families have also been a source of great support. My parents, though initially surprised given my past romantic interests in men, were never disapproving and wholeheartedly embraced us as a couple.
However, not everyone reacted with such kindness.
One aunt notably ignored my pregnancy announcement altogether, while readily congratulating my older, straight sister on her own pregnancy. This pattern continued when my nephew was born; my aunt extended her congratulations to my sister but never to me. While people are entitled to their opinions, for us, our path is right. We are mature, stable, and deeply committed to each other and our family. The very fact that we underwent IVF is a testament to our dedication.
We were fortunate to be eligible for NHS funding, which alleviated the significant financial burden associated with IVF. This allowed us to focus on our dream of having a baby, though we were prepared for the inherent challenges. Our journey involved counselling sessions, administering injections, experiencing unsuccessful fertilisations, and undergoing countless tests and scans. The entire process was intense, costly, and profoundly emotional.
The Emotional Rollercoaster of IVF and Unexpected Twists
The emotional and physical toll of IVF didn’t conclude with the treatment itself. I became pregnant in August 2024, during our second round of fertilisation. Initially, everything appeared to be progressing smoothly. However, at 12 weeks, I began experiencing significant bleeding. Fearing the worst, we rushed to the hospital. To our shock, we discovered I had been carrying identical twins, but sadly, one was not viable. The revelation was devastating, particularly as we hadn’t even known there were two babies. The sense of loss was indescribable, and I will forever cherish the overwhelming gratitude I felt upon giving birth to a healthy Freddie.
A crucial element that helped us navigate this challenging journey was the ability to share our experiences. I chose to document our entire path, from IVF to birth, on social media. This platform became a space for me to express my thoughts, feelings, and experiences, sharing everything from bump updates and pregnancy symptoms to cravings, my struggles with hyperemesis gravidarum (severe nausea and vomiting during pregnancy), and the intricacies of the IVF process. I shared the low points, including the painful injections, distressing symptoms, and setbacks, but also the immense joy of pregnancy and the anticipation of our baby’s arrival.
While the majority of responses were overwhelmingly positive and supportive, we did encounter negative reactions online. These often came from men asserting that our baby “needs a father” or that “two mums can’t do a dad’s job.” We also received comments questioning our age.
Ultimately, we pay little mind to criticism or judgment about the choices we’ve made. Their opinions are their own and do not impact our lives.
Now, at 22 years old, I am looking towards the future with plans to pursue another implantation soon. While we are no longer eligible for free IVF, we have previously fertilised eggs, which significantly reduces the costs. I recently graduated from university, and Marli and I are planning our wedding for early next year. Our aspiration is to build a large family, ideally with four children.
The experience of going through IVF has profoundly highlighted the difficulties of starting a family, whether due to fertility challenges or being a same-sex couple. This has inspired me to help other families achieve that same opportunity. When I reach the age of 40, I intend to donate any remaining embryos we have to couples who are in need.
Being a young, same-sex couple has undoubtedly presented its challenges on our path to parenthood, but each obstacle has ultimately strengthened us. We may be young, but we demonstrate daily that age, gender, or sexuality do not dictate one’s capacity to be exceptional parents. It is time for the medical community and society at large to embrace a more inclusive and progressive perspective.
